It's been a good Saturday...

Oh, and I had one more coke earlier in the day. Life is good.

Drama in other people's lives is great.

I have come to realize that my life is pretty boring.  I am not really complaining because if my life gets too difficult, I get stressed out and then I start crying.  And so to keep the waterworks show at a minimum, I try to keep my life drama free.

Let's not get confused with that fact that I love drama happening to other people.  

One time, I was talking to a friend and he was telling me about a love triangle with a few people we know.  It was a great tale and I was happy that he was letting me in on this very interesting drama.  Some people might call it gossiping, I call it informing. I need to be informed. I just do.

Whatever.

So, as this friend finished up telling me about this love triangle, he said: 

"It's this kind of shit* that gets me out of bed in the morning."

I agreed.  And then asked him if I could "inform" Mackenzi of this story. Because I consider Mackenzi my spouse.  And, as everyone knows, you share things with your spouse.  AND a story like this was pretty much beyond my ability to hold in. I would have to tell someone. 

Luckily, the next day, Mackenzi and I were able to witness this love triangle at it's climax. It was more than I ever could have wished for. It was like watching my very own live reality tv show. There was tears. There was laughter. But most importantly, there was drama.  

And with that, my life was complete.  

*Editors note: third party swearing is acceptable on this blog.

Parental Discretion is Advised

Yep, this little picture does not lie. My blog is rated R. According to the highly scientific rating system that this website holds, my blog is inappropriate for children under 17.



My blog is rated R because of these words:

Crap (7x)
Hell (5x)
Pooped (3x)
Crappy (1x)

Seriously?? Something is wrong here. The injustice of the system is apparent.

Please, if you don't normally watch rated R movies/tv/websites, I ask you to make an exception for my blog. I promise I will keep it clean from now on.

"Looking for trouble? Look no Further"

Once upon a time, I lived in a cute, but ultimately creepy spider infested house with my good friend Megan. Megan and I both lived in the basement of said house and were frequently visited by these creepy, crawly, hairy nuisances - Megan’s bedroom being the home base for the majority of the spiders.

Megan and I soon realized that our colony of creepy friends weren’t going away without a fight. One day, I came home from work to find Megan with a spray gun of insect killing ammunition going to town on our basement. I laughed, she laughed, and we both smiled as we watched spider after spider shrivel under the power of the killer. Life was good.

However, much to our dismay, no insect killer bought at Home Depot was strong enough to terminate these suckers. Night after night spiders would appear. We eventually started naming them – down the alphabet we went: Abby, Beatrix, Casey, Debbie, Eliza, Francis… you get it. One night, I receive this text message from Megan:

Janice just died a suffocating death

I saved that text for over a year. I was saddened when I bought a new phone and couldn’t transfer my saved messages.

Anyway, one day at work I received an email from Megan informing me to disregard the tornado that had ripped through our basement that morning. According to her, her “SPIDAR” had gone off while she was blow drying her hair. She quickly looked out into the hall to see Trixy scurry underneath the couch. Immediate action was taken and before Megan could control herself, the couch was overturned, cushions were scattered on the floor and she spray gunned Trixy until she crumpled up into a ball and died. Megan then went to get the vacuum to suck Trixy up, but had somehow been distracted and had left the basement in disarray.

I was pleased to be able to witness the aftermath when I returned home from work. Well done Megan. Well done.

Now, this tale of our spider woes was only to demonstrate the awesomeness that is my friend Megan. Megan loves these funny quotes from Anne Taintor and recently I have seen them everywhere. They are freaking hilarious – just like my friend Meg. Here is for a good laugh. Enjoy ya’ll:

At least we'll be in Hell as a family

Once a year in the middle of March there is an event so great, so grand, so magnificent, that it forces my entire family to go against everything we know is right and true. What grand event could do such a thing to my family? You might be asking yourself… Is it spring break in Dayton? Is it green beer at MacCools for St. Patricks Day? Is it that half price carton of cigs at the local 7-11?

Nope. None of the above.

It is March Madness.

And it’s called gambling.

And, we do it well.

Last night we held our annual Selection Monday (coined from the term: Selection Sunday). Penel cooked food, Kim brought his highlighters, newspaper and spreadsheet, and the sinning began. Just think of it as Family Home Evening. As long as you sin with your family, is it ok? Answer: YES.

Selection Monday is a complicated system that requires strategic thinking, knowledge of college basketball and luck. Ok, actually. All it takes is luck. Proof of that fact: my mother has won our pool two years in a row.

Now, our teams are chosen. Our bets are laid. Our family is divided. Let the games begin.

Addiction can be a good thing

I am addicted to my new Macbook. This is my new favorite toy:

It's crap...anyway you look at it.

So, I just found out that I didn’t get a job that I really REALLY wanted. I’m super bummed. The job was with Coke. COKE! Yes, the beverage company that I have solely kept in business with my extensive drinking habits. For a split second I considered sticking it to “the man” and switching to Pepsi. But, then I realized that my life would then truly suck for two reasons: 1) I wouldn’t have that cool job that I wanted so badly and 2) I would be drinking Pepsi. I would rather just drink water… or go crawl in a hole. Either way, life would just suck without Coke.

When I told my friend Miranda that Coke made the mistake of not offering the job to me, she replied back, “If it makes you feel any better, Amanda got pooped on by a bird leaving work last night.”

Thank you small innocent bird for your impeccable aiming skills. And thank you Amanda, for, well, for just getting pooped on. Helps me remember that in life, we all get pooped on sometimes.

Let me just sleep off that burger and fries...

Road trip season is getting close. I can feel it. If you have been a loyal reader of my blog, or, at least checked back on my activities last summer, you will know that I love to go on fun weekend trips. Whether it is just a short trip to a cabin, or a rafting down the Snake, I love a good road trip with good, close friends.

This past weekend was hopefully the start of many good road trips this summer. I went to Vegas/St. George with a few close friends to see Journey in concert. It was a blast. Here is a run-down of what we did:

Drove (11 pm - 4 am) (ate while driving)
Slept (For a grand total of 4 hours)
Ate (Yummy breakfast)
Slept (mid-morning nap)
Drove (St. George to Vegas)
Shopped (Forum Shops)
Ate (Cheesecake Factory - made myself sick)
Concert (JOURNEY!! Wahoo!)
Ate (In-n-Out burger)
Drove (12:30 - 2 am... technically 3 am)
Slept (4 am - 11am)
Ate (Cafe Rio)
Slept (2 pm - 4 pm)
Drove (5 pm - 9:30 pm)

Wow. That’s a lot of driving, eating, and well sleeping crammed into 2 short days. We didn’t leave SLC on Friday until about 11 pm. Maybe not the smartest thing to do. However, I had my 44 oz coke to keep my company. I only refilled it once.

As we drove into Vegas on Saturday afternoon we discussed eating at In-n-Out burger after the concert. I turned to Mackenzi and said, hopefully we will see Jay Leno again (Editors note: Last May while in Vegas we ran into Jay Leno at 1:30 am at the local In-n-Out). About 2 seconds later we pass a billboard that says, “Jay Leno – March 7 – 8 at the Mirage”. HOLY CRAP! He’s here again! Both Mackenzi and I gave a little scream of excitement. Adam and Steve just rolled their eyes. Apparently they didn't think this news was cause for excitement.

The concert was a blast. Vegas was gross. And we were back in St. George at the early hour of 3 am. Thanks Day Light Savings. You really screwed me over.

Our plan Sunday was to eat breakfast and take a day trip to Zions. That plan was shot when we all slept in until 11. We decided to bag the Zions plan and just hang out by the pool after we ate lunch. Well, we ate lunch – but after that what did we do? Oh, we fell asleep again. Clearly, this was a very productive trip. Do you think it is possible to sleep off calories, fat grams and carbohydrates? If not - I probably gained about 10 lbs. this weekend.

Here are a few pictures of the trip. Let this be the start of a wonderful summer travel season.

I have 1/2 a swim suit and 1/2 my pride

My friends Sammy and Justin have a sauna in their basement. It has become a Thursday night ritual to attend “sweat night” at their house. “Sweat night” consists of getting in the sauna where the temperature pushes upwards of 150 degrees. Probably even higher. I would have to consult Justin or Sammy about that. Whatever. It is just hot. You stay in the sauna right until you feel like you are about to pass out – you then run upstairs and outside to a troth (and I say that literally) filled with ice cold water. You submerge yourself in the water for at least 30 seconds. After which, you lay out on the ground while your entire body spins. It is the only way for us good Mormon kids to get the feeling of being high without a trip to the bishops office. Sounds insane, I know. But honestly it is very relaxing.

So, a couple of weeks ago I accidentally left my swimsuit bottoms at their house. The next day, Justin emailed me to tell me that he had left my swim suit bottoms where he found them. I asked him, “Are they in your bathroom?” He said, “yes, on the counter. They haven’t moved.”

The next week I had other plans on Thursday evening and therefore did not attend “sweat night”. I was hoping that Justin had moved my swim bottoms and placed them somewhere not so public – I wasn’t so lucky. In a conversation with Justin the next day he told me, “your swim suit bottoms were the source many questions last night.” I told him to please move them until I was able to come over.

I called Justin earlier last week. This was our conversation:

Natalie: So, are my swimsuit bottoms still in the same spot?
Justin: Nope
Natalie: Well, where are they?
Justin: It’s a secret
Natalie: Do you mean, you have hidden them under your pillow and sleep with them ever night kind of secret?

Justin: No. But that did just give me a good idea
Natalie: Seriously, though, where are they?
Justin: It’s a secret.

I gave up after this. It was like talking to a two year old. Eventually word leaked as to where my swim bottoms had been placed:

Displayed prominently over the beautiful picture montage of Justin, right next to the front door, was my swim suit. I kind of feel like Samantha from Sixteen Candles when she gives her panties to the dork. Given, I didn't give my panties to Justin. But he has displayed them like I did.

There's a warrant out for my arrest...

Back in July when I bought my car and made this post, I believe I got an email from a friend saying, “you are going to get some hefty speeding tickets in that thing.” And to that I replied, “yes, I probably will.”

My first speeding ticket came about a week and a half after I bought my car. A sign of the times. Or, just a sign of my speeding. Either or, it was going to happen eventually. And, to make it even better, my entire family was smashed in my car. My dad patted me on the back and said, “I taught you well”. Where my mom repeated what the officer was saying to me AS HE WAS SAYING IT. I might have yelled at her and said, “MOM! I’m 25! I can hear the officer myself!”

That ticket was $85. Not too bad. Well, not too bad compared to my next one.

Five months later I get pulled over. Here is my documentation of the event:

I might have taken this picture and sent a picture text to a few close friends while I waited for my sentence. The message might have been one word. It might have started with a S and ended with a HIT. So, you get the gist. I wasn’t happy about this ticket. I was going fast. Well, very fast. And I was in a construction zone. This was going to be a big one!

The police officer was actually quite nice considering my reckless driving. Only wrote me for going 20 over. A Saint!

So, after not calling before 5 days or after 14, I called the court listed on my ticket. It wasn’t registered yet. I called the next day. It wasn’t registered yet. I called the next day. It wasn’t registered yet. I called and called and by the end of January, it still wasn’t registered. An entire month after the ticket was issued, it still wasn’t registered.

I finally gave up. I figured it was God’s way of blessing me with not having to pay a speeding ticket after just losing my job.

Skip to February 2nd. I check my mail at my parent’s house. Low and behold, I have a delinquency letter from West Valley Police Department. My ticket had gone up from $282 to $332 because I didn’t pay my ticket with the first notice. And, that if I didn’t pay it by February 6th, there would be a warrant out for my arrest.

I immediately called WVPD and told them that my ticket said to call the Salt Lake court. The little worker said that there was a mix up and that I shouldn’t pay WVPD. But to wait a couple of weeks while the ticket was sent to the SL court – and then to pay them. My hell people, how hard is it to send a ticket to the correct court?

Finally, I checked the other day and it was registered. It is $332. It should only be $282. The court clerk told me there was a warrant out for my arrest. Crap, is this how I am going to end up?


Let’s hope not. Tomorrow I will make my appearance in court. I will pray that the hearing officer will take pity on my two month ticket debacle and let me off with out paying. Don’t you think he should?