Sh*ts About to Get Real

A couple of weeks ago I went to Moab with my friend Heather and her ward. I'll be the first to admit I am not the most outdoorsy person, but the idea of a weekend in the sun was enough to get me to go. I mean, we were going to be camping, which isn't my favorite thing. So, I made sure to pack enough Tylenol PM to put a small army to sleep and we set off.

Before we left, Heather had asked if I wanted to go mountain biking while we were down there. And before I really thought about how hard mountain biking might be for a lazy person like myself, I said yes.

So now it's Friday morning and a bunch of people are going mountain biking on the Slick Rock trail. How hard could it be I asked myself. I asked around and one guy was like, "oh, it's not that hard. You'll be fine". For some odd reason, I totally believed him. I completely ignore the voice in my head that reminds me that I don't remember the last time I worked out. It's been months. But whatev, let's do this.

By the time we get to the trail, full panic mode has set it. Finally my brain has registered what I am actually doing. But come hell or high water, I'm not backing out of this activity.

We load up and head out. We go about 50 yards and we come to our first hill. And well, i pretty much didn't want to go down it. Or up the other side. My own personal hell. How am I going to get out of this one?

What I didn't know is that Heather was in her own kind of personal hell at this same moment too. I'm pretty sure she was even more scared that me. Which, I'm not even sure how that was possible.

We somehow make to the top of the hill. One guy from the group hung back to make sure we were ok. We kept telling him to leave us and that we would be fine, but he wasn't budging. It was then that Heather and I looked at each other and said, SCREW THIS! We waved our group on, took a picture, uploaded it to Instagram to make other people think we were actually mountain biking, and then rode our bikes back to camp.

We then took a 2 hour nap.

It was glorious.

I put on my big girl pants

So remember how it's been so long since I last posted that 1)I've probably lost all my readers and 2) blogger changed the backend and I think it is amazing? Well, it's been a while. And I know the last time I posted I said the next post would be about the surprise set up my brother in law pulled on me. And I hate to burst your bubble, but this post isn't about dating. It totally better than dating.

You see, I kind of have big news. I have so many stories to blog about that should actually come before this one, but I just am too excited to not post about it.

I bought a house. And I am living by myself. And I couldn't be happier than I am at this very moment. For reals.

There are many of stories about how I ended up buying my house..which I will blog about. But for now, I'm just going to show you some crappy pictures that were taken on my phone of my house. Because, I hate it when people say that bought a house or moved or did something and they don't show pictures. Drives me nuts.  So, without further adieu, I give you my cute little house.

oh wait, first...I haven't decorated yet, I still have boxes everywhere, and I am not showing you a picture of either bedroom 2 or 3 because they are currently filled with boxes and junk that I haven't figure out where they are going.

the lovely blue tap is where my tv will eventually go:

 The view from my front door:

 This table and chairs cost me $20 about 5 years ago. I plan to paint them both. But, I have to first find the energy to sand those puppies. And well, right now I just want to take a nap.

View from the back of the house:

My TV is currently in my room and I am kind of obsessed with it.

And my bed...which I haven't even made an attempt at making look good for this picture.

Pinterest, you failed me. Almost.

Let's not discuss how long it has been since my last post. But let's discuss how I tried to do something that I found on Pinterest. You know, my new favorite obsession. It makes me want to cook, sew, plan a party, buy a house, decorate a house and get married all in one day.

But, all that seems a little overwhelming, so I started out with something that only would affect me if it went horribly wrong.

I tried to curl my hair with a sock.

Yes, sock.

I first watched this tutorial. Seemed easy enough.

And well, I'll just jump to the end of the story and tell you that it turned out horribly wrong. I didn't take a picture of the aftermath because I was in a hurry to get to work and I had to fix the ginormous, frizzy, disaster that was my hair. BUT, in the process I discovered something amazing. Using the sock makes a PERFECT bun. Like, perfect. And you would never know I have a sock in my hair.

Don't worry dear readers, my next post will be about how my brother-in-law sprung a faux set-up date on me last week. Nothing says family like, "oh, by the way, I invited my single friend to join us. Glad you showered today."

I've influenced her for life

On Thanksgiving this year, I took a video of Ava that made me very happy. I have taken many of videos of her during her 18 months here on this earth. But this one made me realize that maybe I have had some sort of influence on her. It might be a bad influence, but I've influenced her nonetheless.

You see, since she was a young babe, I have loved to take self portraits of us together using my phones camera. I usually look ridiculous and they end up blurry, but its just something I just love to do. As you can see, I have took many during of our time together...

So, back to Thanksgiving and the video I took of her. Well, I think my influence speaks for itself..

The only bad thing I can see is that I've taught her to take pictures of herself. Which is kind of narcissistic. But whatever, she's cute and adorable so she can be as narcissistic as she wants.

You know you're too reliant on your phone when you cry in your car over lost phone numbers

Sometime last week, my phone had an alert on it saying I had low storage space. Annoyed at the thought that I would have to go to Verizon to get it fixed, I postponed going for a few days. However, when my phone stopped receiving emails, I had to suck it up and go to the store.

The Verizon worker told me there was a glitch in the latest system update that was telling my phone it had less storage than it really had - so he had to do a hard reboot. Meaning, my entire phone would be wiped clean. I would have to download all my apps and set everything back up. Ok, not a big deal. I could handle that. However, what I couldn't handle is my contact list being wiped. So, I specifically asked if my contact list could be backed up. He promised me it would. He even said, "It looks like your contacts are being backed up in your gmail."

I should have interjected and said, "well make sure, because I don't think all my phone numbers have been synced in my gmail." But I didn't. For whatever reason, I didn't. And now I am kicking myself.

Because when I got my phone back and was walking to my car, I opened up my "People". And well, the only people that were in my list were an FHE group I had created 3 years ago when I had The Worst Calling in the church (I talk about it here too).

Bad words were said.

Many of them.

And then tears were shed.

Even more of them.

I lost over 700 phone numbers. I got back to work and called Nicole in tears. She tried to help me restore the numbers, but for some reason they were never synced in my gmail contacts list.

I know I will never use most of those numbers again. But I honestly feel like I lost a huge part of my life.

The best part of this whole story is when I emailed people and asked them to send me a text with their name so I could have their number again, I got this from my mom:

"Boo Hoo. Mommy and Daddy live at 801-xxx-xxxx and Mommy's cell is 801-xxx-xxxx."

This was disturbing on my many levels. 1) The fact that my mom referred to herself and my father as "mommy and daddy" and 2) because she thought she needed to remind me of my home phone number. That is like the one phone number I will remember until I get Alzheimer's and die. I then realized that out of all the phone numbers in my phone, I only knew 6 of them by heart. 1) Dad's cell 2) Mom's cell 3) my parents home 4) Hailey 5) Katelyn and 6) Kristine. Katelyn and Kristine get the honorary friend memorization because they have had the same numbers since we first had cell phones 11 year ago.

How many numbers can you remember off the top of your head? If it's as few as mine, you better back up your phone contacts now. Or else you'll be crying in your car one day when you realize you can't call anyone to help you because you lost your phone contacts.

Flourecent lighting was almost the deciding factor.

So, I actually never blogged about this, but I switched jobs back in January. Yes, 10 months ago. Leaving Agency X to go to Agency Y was a tough choice. I loved Agency X and miss it a lot. But I'm really enjoying my life at Agency Y so I am happy with my decision.

One nice thing about Agency Y is that I now have an office - opposed to a work space that can't even be called a cubical at X. Don't get me wrong, I loved the layout and design at X, but it didn't provide for any privacy. Needless to say, I became VERY good at blocking out noise around me. I've pretty much mastered the ability to have selective hearing. My future children are screwed.

Anyway, so at Agency Y I have an office. It's small, but it's an office. But I have come to loved it. From where I sit I can see into the office across from me which has a huge window. Plus, all my new work friends have offices right next to me. I feel like I have the best lot in the neighborhood.

Current office digs:


A week or so ago my boss came into my office and told me that with the recent new hires, they are moving some people around and a much larger office is free for my taking. She told me to think about it.

You're thinking...GREAT! A larger office! But there are some other things to consider. The office is down by all the partners (not a horrible thing, but I would just be away from all my friends) and it doesn't have any natural lighting. Trying to weigh my options, I went into my coworkers office to get his opinion. He decided we should make a pros/cons list. I was all for it.

This is our list:


My favorite is the cons list.

1) Loneliness
2) Bad Lighting

Ultimately, I chose to take the new office. I really do need more space, plus all my friends promised to come visit me in my new office (all the way down the hall). Once I'm all settled I'll try and post some pictures. I feel like such a grown up.

Dear Insurance, I've used you wisely. Love, Natalie

Remember that one time I thought I was having a kidney stone but then I thought it was just the pain from the UTI? Well, it wasn't a UTI and it was in fact a kidney stone. The realization that it was a kidney stone was about 2 months in the making. Because about every 2 weeks, that blinding pain would hit my kidney area and I wouldn't be able to pee.

It's shocking how many times I visited my doctor in a month. And every time she would ask me, "when is the last time you had sex?" Whenever I would tell her never, she never seemed to believe me. It was like she wanted to catch me in a lie. I mean, I think she understood my religious beliefs when she saw my garments and starting talking about different kinds I should try. But whatever, maybe she was just being thorough.

After my 2nd time meeting with her, she told me I needed to see a specialist. Now, normally I wouldn't be concerned about seeing a specialist, but this time it was different. I had just had a meeting at work and learned that our insurance was switching over to an HSA (Health Savings Plan). For those of you that don't know what that means, I'll put it in lamen terms: I pay a lot more to go to the doctor. In fact, I pay EVERYTHING up until my $1,500 deductible is reached. Yikes. So, you can imagine when I heard the word specialist the dollars signs starting flashing in my head.

My insurance was going to be switching over on October 1. It was September 22nd. She put in a referral and said they would try and get me in before Oct 1. Well, September 25th came and back came the blinding pain and the inability to pee. I called my doctor first thing the next morning to get the phone number to the urologist they referred me to. I immediately called and was able to get in on Wednesday, Sept 27th.

Wednesday came and I was feeling fine. I kind of felt stupid going to the doctor when I had no symptoms. When I explained to him the problem, he said he thought it had a kidney stone lodged somewhere - but the only way to find out is to get a ct scan. Dollar sign. Dollar sign. LOTS OF DOLLAR SIGNS!!!

I asked how quickly I could get one. I might as well take this insurance plan for all it's worth. And so, Friday, September 30th at 7 am, I had a ct scan. Friday at 1:30 pm my doctor calls me to tell me I have a 5mm kidney stone stuck in my ureter and that I would need to get it surgically removed.

I googled what a 5mm kidney stone looked like. And also, what a ureter was. I'm not very smart.

Knowing the insurance timeline I was under, my doctor said he could get me in for surgery that night.

And so, at 6pm Friday, September 30th, I checked myself into the hospital. I was completely unprepared for what I was about to do. Because when they showed me to my room and told me they would be back to give me an IV, I about passed out.

This was me before I got my IV:

This was me after

And well, I didn't take a picture of myself AFTER the surgery, because I was crying and wanted to die. When I signed up for this, I thought I would get a Valium and they would do the ultra sonic sound waves thing to break up the stone. Then all I would have to do is drink gallons of water to flush it out.

My upcoming procedure was not so kind. Pretty much they went UP my urethra (TMI?), through my bladder and into my ureter. Then they used a laser to blast the stone into tiny, passable pieces. THEN, they inserted a stint into my ureter to keep it open so that stones would come out. AND THEY LEFT THE STINT IN.

So as I woke up, I felt like my crotch was on fire and that someone was pinching it. This is when I started crying and asking for my mom. Seriously, it's like I was 5.

I eventually made it back to my room where my mom was patiently waiting for me. She told me I did great and even had a present for me. My kidney stone!! Ok, not the whole thing, just two itty bitty pieces of it.

Finally, around midnight I was ready to leave. I spent the weekend at my parents being pampered by my lovely mother. What would have I done with out her? Even though I am 29, I still need my mom like I was 5 years old. A girls gotta have her mama.

So there you have it. Nothing like soaking my insurance plan for all it's worth until the very end.

Appropriate beach wear...i think so.

So, if you read my previous post, I mention that I was going to attend my ward activity. This was a big step for me. Ever since the church decided to change my whole life around by making me go to a ward in my boundaries, I haven't had much desire to actually attend any ward activity. Given, I am probably one of the oldest people in the ward (I am not overexaggerating here) and there are only 40 guys that come to church, going to a ward activity hasn't been top on my list of priorities.

Anyway, the tubing the Provo river trip was going to be fun. At least that is what I told myself. The plan was to meet at the ward, do a little service project by cleaning the ward, and then heading down to the river.

I contemplated my outfit choice, and since I wasn't going to make it in time to do the service project, I felt that wearing my river/lake/pool coverup was an ok choice. If was going to be on the river or hanging out in the hot sun at the picnic after, I was going to take every opportunity to tan my skin that I could.

And well, I believe I might have been the only one that thought this. Because when I pulled up to the ward, I was easily the sluttiest dressed one of the bunch. My mother would be proud.

Slut outfit:
What do you think? Was it inappropriate to wear this to a ward activity?

If you're a Mormon girl, you must be crafty.

If I ever get a phone call from an unknown number, I never answer it. I figure if it important enough than whoever is calling me will leave a message. I just like to be prepared to talk to whomever is calling me. I don't want to have any awkward phone conversations.

Yesterday, I was driving home from work and someone was calling me from an unknown number. The area code was something like like 228 and I thought it might be someone from work. So, out of sheer panic, I answered. Fail. Never answer calls from unknown numbers. Because I then proceeded to have one of the most awkward phone conversations of my life.

I have changed names as to not embarrass anyone, but the rest of this transcript is very accurate. I have not over-exaggerated anything. This is just my life. Oh, and I have also put in italics my thoughts as the conversation was going.

Me: Hello?

Anonymous Caller: Hi Natalie, this is Paul from the ward

Me: oh, hi

Paul: I have it on the list that you are coming to the ward activity on Saturday

Me: Yes, yes I am

Paul: Great. Would you like to help out at the ward activity on Saturday.

Me:[No, not really.] Sure, what do you need help with?

P: Anything!!

Me:[anything? Wtf? Am i now supposed to start listing off things I think he might need help with? I'm confused.] Well did you have something specific in mind?

P: Well, I remember being at your house one night and you were doing something really crafty. So could you make a really crafty sign? Or maybe we could use help in buying food and putting it in coolers.

Me: [He must have the wrong Natalie. I do not have a crafty bone in my body] Um, i'm not crafty. And I actually don't really have the time to make a really crafty sign. I could go to the store and get food though if you need me to.

P: Well, we could really use a crafty sign. Could you help with that? Like, could you get together tomorrow night to help?

Me: [Tomorrow night? Friday? Um no.] Ok, I am not crafty. And I actually have plans tomorrow. But, I am more than willing to go to the store if you tell me what you need.

P: Well, we already have people going to costco to get food, so we need a crafty sign.

Me: [wow, he is REALLY pushing this CRAFTY sign business. And why mention you need help with food if you don't actually need help with food?] Ok, I can make a sign. But it is not going to be crafty. What do you need on the sign? What is it being used for?

P: We'll put it in the parking lot so people know where to go.

Me: Ok, so a direction sign. Sure I can do that.

P: Ok great. You'll make a crafty sign with bubbly letters. Great.

Me: [if he says the word "crafty" one more time I am going to lose my shit. And what? Where did he all of a sudden get "bubbly letters" from?] Um, like I said, I am not crafty. I can make a sign. But I make no promises on it being crafty.

P: Well do you at least have girly handwriting?

Me: Yes, I do. It will be legible.

P: ok, that will do.

Paul went about this all all the wrong way. All he needed to say was "I could use your help in creating a sign to put up in the parking lot directing people where to go. Could you meet me at the ward a little bit early on Saturday and help me make it?"

The best part of this whole story is I just got a voice mail from him. He told me someone else already asked another girl in the ward to make a sign and "she seemed really excited to make it".

Good for her. I'm sure she'll stamp, sticker,flower and glue glitter all over that sign. It will be so pretty.

I'll show up and then kick dirt on it.

It's the gift that keeps on giving.

Facebook is like people.com, but for us commoners. I love it and hate it. I love it because it keeps me updated on anything that is going on socially. Instead of mass text messages for bbqs, parties or get togethers, people just create events. It's kind of like a public calendar and you can decide what to attend based on the people that are already "attending". It is also a great way to share photos. We all know "I'll send you that picture" is never going to happen.

Now, I could list of a billion, trillion reasons why I hate it, but then this post will just turn into Natalie-rages-against-Facebook-and-sounds-like-a-manic-freak. And well, I would hate for that to happen. Especially in such a public forum. So, I will instead list something what I find extremely entertaining about Facebook.

The gossip.

"oh, did you see that so-and-so went from "engaged" to "single". I wonder what happened? He's probably addicted to porn"

"Did you see that so-and-so and so-and-so were in pictures together. I bet they are dating"

Well, today I posted some pictures from a recent trip I took to Lake Powell with some friends. And by friends I mean I knew 2 people out of the 10 that were there. It was a great trip and I loved every minute of it. This was the text that I received today from a very good friend after I posted my pictures:

"Which boy am I looking at in your Facebook pictures? Was there a love connection?"

And well, I'll leave the answer to that text private. Because what happens in Lake Powell, stays in Lake Powell.

Enjoy the pics

Privacy is for the birds

It's been awhile. So, naturally, I'm going to post about my recent bout with a UTI. Yes, a Urinary Tract Infection. I know you want to keep reading.

Have you ever had a UTI? Well, I hadn't. I had had bladder infections before, which were horrible. What, you feel like you are going to pee your pants? You want to go to the bathroom and relieve yourself? To bad! You can't! Your bladder isn't working and it will make you think you have to pee but then won't actually let you. Bladder, you bitch!

Ok, sorry about that Mom.

Anyway, I thought a UTI was just a bladder infection. Which, technically it kind of is. My research on WebMD pretty much calls them the same thing. But I've had bladder infections before, and none of them caused the pain that I experienced with my UTI. Hence, the reason I think they are different. Suck it WebMD.

WebMD also says women get UTI's after having sex. And since I haven't so much as touched a boys hand in the last 100 years, I can pretty much rule that out. I did however text Nicole and say "I have a UTI. Sadly, it is not from having hot, passionate sex."

I digress.

I went to InstaCare (which is another story all on its own) after lunch and was given a prescription. Other than feeling like i was going to wet myself every 5 minutes, I felt fine, so i went back to work. At about 4:30 pm, I starting having massive cramps and the most horrendous lower back pain I have ever experienced. I had to finish a few things and didn't leave work until around 5:15. By this time, I could barely stand. I had no idea how I was going to make it home. I prayed, "Dear Lord, help me not pass out or throw up in my car. I need to make it home."

I left work at the same time the entire city of SLC decided to leave work too. Traffic was horrible. I almost started crying but was so focused on my pain I couldn't shed a tear. The second I made it in my front door and to the bathroom I threw up the burrito I had for lunch. The pain in my back was getting worse and I literally thought I was dying. I thought I was having a kidney stone. I called my mom:

Mom: Hi Nat

Me: (Balling my eyes out) MOM! I am dying!

Mom: What? What is wrong?

Me: (Hysterically crying) I THINK I HAVE A KIDNEY STONNNNNNNNEEEEEE!

Mom: Where are you?

Me: (yep, still crying) Home. Dying a slow death!!!!!

Mom: I'll be right there.

I lay on my bathroom floor contemplating my death. Ok, not really. But I thought about all the people that relate kidney stones and child birth and say they are the two most painful things in the world. And well, I decided right then and there if I ever find a boy I like, decided to date, fall in love, get married, have sex and make a baby, I will never do natural child birth. If I can't handle the pain of a UTI, how do you expect me to handle the pain of child birth? To save myself and my future marriage, I'll opt for drugs. Just saying.

So anyway, my sweet mom came and rescued me. She heated up my heating pad, made me comfy in bed and made sure I was ok. And through the miraculous work of western medicine and some mother's TLC, I made it out alive.

I hope you have enjoyed this story and the fact that I actually blogged. Nothing says welcome back like a story about pee.

I thought I'd teach her how to be a real diva, but the kid beat me to it.

The day my family went to Hilton Head it was Hannah's 9th birthday. Because we were going to be traveling for almost her entire birthday, my mom bought her a Happy Birthday tiara and took her birthday shopping before the trip. On her shopping trip, Hannah chose to have my mom buy a big pair of hot pink sunglasses and a hot pink polka dot blanket for her birthday present.

I knew nothing of this purchase until we sat down on our first plane ride. Hannah was already wearing her tiara and feeling like a diva when she sat down next to me. The next thing she did was pull out her sunglasses and put them on like she was some sort of celebrity that didn't want to be bothered. She then pulled out her blanket and cuddled up to the window and went to sleep.

Now, had she actually be a celebrity and had done this, I would have thought she had passed out from being drunk. But since she isn't a celebrity and only 9 years old, I thought it was just plain adorable.

Dear Blog, I sort of forgot about you.

Dear Readers (if I have any at this point),

I am sorry that I have abandoned this blog. It literally seems like it is the last thing on my mind. Not that I have had anything in particular on my mind, other than the fact that I'm about ready to kick mother nature in the taco if she doesn't learn to give me my summer before June 14th. But that is besides the point.

The fact is, my life is so boring that I can't possibly even think of anything enjoyable to write about. Ok, I take that back. My life has been very enjoyable this last month. I guess I just haven't found anything funny to post about. I like my posts to be funny. Today's post...pretty boring. You can stop reading now if you feel so inclined.

In summary, this is what has happened in the past month....

May 15 - 21: Went on family trip to Hilton Head, South Carolina. Lovely. Awesome. Fabulous week off of work. But let's be honest, nothing really too exciting or funny to write about there. But here is a picture of me doing my favorite activity while in SC.

May 27 - May 31: Went to San Francisco with Katelyn to visit one our dear friend Kristine. Again, it was a wonderful trip. But, totally drama free (which is how I prefer to live my life). Highlight of the trip. finally taking a picture in front of the Full House house. My life is nearly complete.

In the midst of all this the LDS church decided to switch my life around and make me go to a singles ward of the boundaries that I actually live in. THE NERVE! Needless to say, I was quite depressed about this switch. I loved my last ward. But alas, I do believe the "church is true" and therefore will choose to believe this will be for my good, as well as those around me.

However, this does not mean that I didn't once leave my friend a voice mail after church one week stating that we should form our own ward, find a bishop and let President Monson know what we were doing. I'm thinking it wouldn't go over well. But there is always to hope, right?

Anyway, I'm bored with myself so without a doubt so are you. I'll try to go on a bad date one of these days so I have something to blog about.

Love,

Natalie

Facebook knew before I did. Something is wrong with this picture.

Since having Alex home from his mission, I finally feel like I am not the 7th wheel in my family. Having another single sibling around is always nice. We bond over bad date stories and about how we each think the other sex is stupid. The best part is that we got to take a "singles" picture at our recent family photo shoot. As shown here:

Now, Alex before his mission was quite the playboy. Our family would joke about his typical "dinner and make out" date (Dinner at Pei Wei and back to the parents house to watch Transformers). I kid you not, this was his date. He took so many girls on this same date that my parents stopped introducing themselves to the evolving door of young girls that came through their front door. Alex is a charmer - gotta love him for that.

Alex after his mission has been a little bit more shy. Not sure what happened, but he lost a bit of his dating mojo. I knew he would get it back one day, but I just didn't know when. Well, that day was sometime this week. I talked to him about a week ago about a girl I know he had asked out. He told me that their date had been reschedule and he would see what happened. So you can imagine my surprise then I logged on to Facebook and saw this:

I immediately text him:

ME: Excuse me..."in a relationship"?!?!?!?

ALEX: I was wondering how many times I would have this convo today

ME: Well???

ALEX: Well what?

ME: Who is this chick? And how are you already in a relationship. I don't buy it.

ALEX: Her name is Michelle from my institute class. We have been hanging like nonstop for a week. I was with her when Hailey called, she will attest.

Ok, my brother is adorable. But I about peed my pants when I read the line "hanging like nonstop for a week". Apparently 1 week is all I need.

I wish my brother and his new girlfriend all the best. She better be adorable to date my brother. He's top notch.

Who knows, dear readers, maybe by the next time I post I will have a boyfriend to talk about.

Remember, all I need is one week.

Things that make me happy...

I know this isn't much of a post, but I'm kind of obsessed with this picture of me and Ava.

She loves me.

And to me, that is enough for a blog post.

Lent doesn't count if a boy buys my dinner. Just saying.

So I thought I might give you all a little update on how I am doing on my Lent promise. I will have you know that I have not eaten at a fast food restaurant once since Ash Wednesday. Ok, well, I take that back, I did eat KFC and it was on a date. So I take that as I get a free pass. And before I tell you about how I let some guy take me to KFC, let me first say that not eating fast food is KILLING ME. All I want is a burger and fries. Seriously, that is all I want out of life. I have 14 more days until I will be pulling into the closest Wendy's and ordering enough burgers to make myself sick. I'll start a paper chain and keep it at my office.

Now, on to my KFC date. I know, you are all probably thinking, "this guy is retarded if he is taking our dear Natalie to KFC." And well, he might be retarded, but it wasn't for his lack of date planning. And the reasons why he might be retarded will not be discussed on this blog. But, I will talk about how I actually let him take me to KFC.

On our first date, he took me to the Mandarin up in Bountiful. We went there on a Saturday night and when we got there I overheard a lady say that she had been waiting for 35 minutes and still had 7 parties ahead of her. But to my surprise, when my date came back from checking us in he told me our wait would be 20 minutes. When I asked how come our wait was so short, he told me that he called ahead and put our names on the list. WHAT??!!! He called ahead??!! I practically jumped him right then and there, but I refrained myself. It was our first date. I had to hold the crazy in a little.

So now it was the day of our 2nd date. I had no idea what we were going to do. Then at 4 that afternoon I get a text from him. Here is our text conversation...and in italics are my thoughts that coincided with his messages.

Him: wear some comfy shoes

Me: (um, comfy shoes? comfy shoes don't really go with the outfit I have planned). Will gold flats work as comfy shoes? Or do I need to be wearing work out shoes?

Him: Can you move around in gold flats?

Me: (move around?? He is taking me dancing!!! How romantic!) Gold flats are good for anything but maybe hiking. Are you going to tell me what we are doing? Or is it a surprise?

Him: How does getting KFC and playing frisbee in the park sound?

Me: (Woa, I was WAY off. Dancing? Why did I ever think he would take me dancing. I'm such a girl.) I think that sounds perfect! It's great weather for that too! See you tonight.

So yes, we went to KFC, ordered a bucket and chicken and ate it in the park. It was awesome.

They are magic glasses. That is what they are.

To follow up on this post, I did actually go to Costco and look for glasses. Lucky for me, they had a GREAT selection and I was not forced to buy a ginormous box of Gushers and eat myself silly.

Also, these frames were only $70. I love me a Costco deal!

I feel strangely smarter just by wearing them. AND, I was called a sexy librarian the day I wore them to church. Yes, I might have also been wearing lace and pearls so that might have played a role in the whole "Natalie looks like an old lady" outfit, but a least I got called "sexy". I figure...mission accomplished.

How to Annoy Natalie 101

So I know I live in the year 2011 and most people text more than they talk in their phones, but I have a serious bone to pick with texting messaging when it comes to dating.

Hello Soap Box, let me step on you for a minute. There is not anything that annoys me more in this whole world than a guy that asks out over text message. I mean, if you don't have the balls to pick up the phone and dial my number, you don't have enough balls to date me. I can be a tough cookie. And well, if you have to hide behind the screen of your phone and first send flirty/somewhat inappropriate text messages to gauge my interest in you before you do something about it - then you should just put down the phone and back away slowly.

This is a direct transcript of a text conversation I had last night. I have put my thoughts in red for your reading enjoyment. Also, I have given this guy the game of George. Just because I don't know any George's. And for the record, I actually think this guy is cute. He has potential.

10:35 PM

George: What are you doing? Really? at 10:30 at night? I'm not answering this text

5 minutes later:

George: That was a joke. What's going on? You ready for the Y game tomorrow?

Me: If you mean am I ready to watch the Y lose and put and end to this Jimmer mania crap? Then yes...very ready!

George: Wow. My bad.

Me: Oh come on, don't cry about it

George: (he tried to apparently message me on Facebook) Do you know how to use your computer? I invite you over all the time but you never come. Not sure how I should feel about that. For the record, I have only received mass text messages from him and maybe 1 phone call but they have all been past 9:00 pm. I get annoyed at the latest of his invites so I don't respond.

Me: I am not sure how I feel about getting fake invites from you at 10:30 at night

George: I'll make it worth your while. Oh really? We're getting to this level of insinuating now? I'm not going to bite. This conversation is going nowhere but downhill fast if I respond with an equally as flirty text.

Me: That's funny because I don't actually remember getting an invite

George: That is funny. I thought i invited you over thirty minutes ago.

Me: OH! Was your invite "what are you doing"..then following by "that was a joke?" I can't believe i didn't see that as an invite!

George: Yea, i guess that wasn't very smooth. I'll have to work on it.

George: We should really get out and do something sometime. and i'm not joking or giving you a hard time this time.

Me: Well, you do have my number and can call me if you want go out :) Yes I did just tell him to pick up the damn phone if he wants to ask me out.

George: Sounds good. Have a good night

I'm sorry, but I think I deserve someone to be a gentleman and call me on the phone and ask me out on a proper date. Is that asking too much??! I think not.

And before my mom or grandma or anyone that has been married more than 5 years decides to comment on this post about how I was too mean to him, let me save you the trouble and ask for you not to comment.

Because LITERALLY AS I WAS TYPING THIS POST, this is what just happened:

George: Hey. You busy?

Me: Nope. Just checking emails I was NOT about to tell him I was blogging about him.

George: Good. Just checking.

Man.. I give up.

Don't mess with this cougar...she'll blog about you.

For the past month or so, every Wednesday I go to my ward to cheer on our girls and boys basketball teams. And no, I do not play. PPLLLEEEAASSSSEEE! Natalie does NOT play sports. I am much to awkward and untalented to participate in any sort of group sport. Instead, I consider myself a supporter. Everyone needs a supporter. I fill that void.

Also, Wednesdays provide me a great outlet to flirt and do all the things that are too shameful to do during church on Sundays. AND since there are other wards there that means there are more guys to flirt with. Ok, let's be honest, I don't flirt with boys I don't know. I am much to shy for that.

And this is where my friend Heather comes in. Last Wednesday we were there watching our boys play another ward. And low and behold, there was a boy on the other team that was very cute. I may have joked to Heather that she should talk to him after the game and give him my number. And since Heather is a new friend, maybe she didn't hear the sarcasm in my voice - because when the game was over and I had left, she went up to him and got his number for me.

Now, normal Natalie would not have done anything with that number. But for some reason I thought I was 20 again and had no shame.

And so I text him.

And we decided to meet up sometime on Saturday.

So on Saturday he text me and we decided that we were just going to watch the Duke basketball game at his house. I was not about to submit myself to a whole night with a total stranger - no matter how cute he was.

And so, I made sure I looked as hot and young as I possibly could because as we were texting I found out he was A SOPHOMORE IN COLLEGE. Good hell. I'm a cougar. I did not reveal my age. And if he asked, I was going to be 25. 25 was a good year.

Don't I look 25?

Anyway, I went over to his house. And let me tell you...it was the longest hour and half of my life. Although good looking, the guy was a COMPLETE jerk. He pretty much ignored me the whole time, talked to his roommate more than me, and at one point he got up and made himself a shake and didn't bother to ask me if I wanted anything to drink. Bastard.

I sat there plotting my escape. How was I going to get out of this??? And then I remembered something. I remembered that I was 28 and have actually grown some balls over the years. And so the second the game ended, I said, "Well, I am gong to leave."

And that I did.

And I couldn't have been happier with myself. I guess being a cougar does have it's advantages.

For Lent...

So, I'm not Catholic or anything, but I decided that I was going to participate in Lent this year. I mean, I guess I could show God how much I love him by giving up something that i love for 40 days. Or at least that is what I am telling people.

When I broke up with Justin last summer, I lost a good 15 lbs. It was kind of awesome. Well, the breakup and not having an appetite for a month wasn't awesome, but being all skinny and crap was wonderful. But lets be honest, the way I eat there was no way I was going to be able to keep that weight off. And well, I've pretty much gained it all back. No surprise.

But I kind of loved being 15 lbs lighter. So I decided that I was going to participate in Lent and give up fast food. Yes, I could say that I am showing God how much I love him, but really I am doing it so I can hopefully lose some weight. Selfishness, covered by the outward appearance of selflessness. It's brilliant.

Anyway, so I posted on Facebook my decision to give up fast food. And this was the response:

Clearly, people think I am insane for doing such an act or they think I can't do it.

Then, today my lovely friend Kristine sent me this:

What is this??? She tempts me with adorable pictures of her baby eating delicious fast food?!

It's like people WANT me to fail. And to that I say, NO WAY! I have God on my side.

He totally wants me to be skinny.